
Memory takes me back these days to when Amelia and I were just falling in love. I've mentioned this part of the story in an earlier post ("The End in the Beginning," Dec. 20th), and find I must write it. Family may recall hearing this, or parts of it, but it's never been written anywhere.
After the coup on September 11, 1973, when the Chilean presidential palace was attacked, burned and stormed by troops, the new junta imposed a curfew that, for three days, prohibited anyone from going out on pain of being stopped, searched and, sometimes, summarily shot. After that people could go out from 8 to 11 am, and a week later, between the hours of 7 am and 3 pm. That was an inconvenience and a concern, because there was no news from anywhere--buses and trains all stopped, no mail, no phones and martial music and propaganda the only things on the radio.
You didn't need the radio to know what was going on, though. Every night we heard it: the sound of shooting, of explosions, as the military ransacked the poor districts of every town, our little provincial capital included, looking for arms, suspects, fugitives. These were the nights of the "desaparecidos," people who disappeared forever into the darkness. Sometimes you could see the flashes on the horizon. When I ventured into one of these areas one morning, old men were walking in the street, weeping.
And there was no news from Amelia. I knew she lived in a neighborhood that would be targeted, so I was doubly concerned; but there was nothing I could do.
After two weeks, I think it was, news came that the first train would be passing through town, coming from the south on its way to the capital. I told my boss I had to go; he agreed, there was no class anyway.
The station was jammed. Everyone in town seemed to be there, waiting for arrivals, saying goodbye to relatives who had been stranded or who were on their own missions, like me, or hoping to board the train themselves. None of us was prepared, though, for the sight that greeted us when the train finally rolled into the station: people everywhere! The cars were filled to overflowing. People clung to the stairways in the cars' entrances, wedged themselves into the connectors between the coaches, huddled in the windows, barely able to stay inside the cars for lack of space. Using the open stairway--there were no doors on the stairs, just at either end of the aisle that ran down the center of each car--was hopeless. I joined the throng that walked up and down the sides of the train, asking those hanging from the windows if there was a space, any space. The answer was always no: "Are you crazy, gringo? Where do you think you're going to fit if I can't even get my back inside the window?"
Finally I forced the issue; I had to get to Amelia! "Grab my bag," I yelled at one group of faces, "I'm coming aboard!" I threw my bag at the window opening, about 9 feet above the road-bed, whence it disappeared into the darkened interior, and, jumping up and grabbing the window sill, began walking my feet, slipping and sliding, up the dirty outside of the old coach. Seeing, I guess, that I was determined to get in, hands finally reached out, took my arms, and dragged me inside, where I sprawled full length across the laps of strangers until I could get to my feet.
I saw they had told the truth: there was no space at all. There was not much time to think about this, though, because just then the train started with a tremendous jerk. Had we been any less tightly packed, standing there in the aisle, we all would have fallen like so many dominoes. As it was, we simply leaned into each other and, since there was no space to fall, swayed with the car's motion, back and forth, until the group of us could stand upright again.
Four hours later, having taken on more people than we let off, I think--a mystery of sorts--we arrived in Santiago. There being no buses or taxis, hardly any vehicles in fact except jeeps with machine guns mounted on the back, armored personnel carriers and tanks, I set off walking to the National Baha'i Center, about 5 miles away.
My path took me within a block of the Moneda palace, the one that's burning in the picture, and so I went that way. My eyes saw something they had never imagined before.
The palace itself was still in ruins, facing out on the square that, in calmer days, had been the scene of parades, demonstations, and all kinds of patriotic displays. There was still a smell of burning in the air, though the fires had long since gone out. There were soldiers everywhere, armed to the teeth, fingering their weapons as they watched, stone-faced, the people passing by. Every one of the buildings fronting the square was pocked with bullet holes, sometimes concentrated on particular windows where some sniper had dared fire on the power massed below: the machine-gun and cannon fire had turned these windows, in their thick cement and brick walls, into circular openings, shocked, empty eyes staring from the faces of the ravaged buildings. The line of white steel flagpoles across the side of the square that fronted on the palace had been turned into twisted lace-works by the bullets and shells that had passed through them as the soldiers hosed their fire into the president's mansion.
Most stunning of all was the main post and telegraph office, cater-corner from the mansion on the eastern side of the square. I had often gone through its green, 20-foot high steel and brass doors to mail letters and send cables, but these massive portals had taken a direct, point-blank hit from a tank cannon; they lay crumpled and holed, like so much tin foil, in a corner of the cavernous entryway of the building, an opening that had almost lost its rectangular shape, too, under the torrent of steel and explosives that had flowed through it.
I was not welcome in that place. To linger was to attract the attention of these murderous teenagers, and nobody had to tell me they were subject to no restraint. I kept walking. As night fell I arrived at the Baha'i Center. It was untouched, as was the silent neigborhood around it, and I went in. A little food, what I had brought with me from home, and then to sleep on the floor, hoping to wake in time to walk back to the station and see if there would be a train north to Valparaiso the next day.
The sun of early spring, coming through the windows, awoke me the next morning. The daily routine began: shower, shave, dress, a bite of bread, ready for the door. But as I shaved, in a back room looking out over the garden behind the building, shots rang out--close, much too close! I dropped to the floor and crawled across the second storey, inching an eye over a window sill. Not being able to see anything outside, I hurried downstairs, dropped to all fours, and crawled to the living room window, looking carefully past the high fence that extended across the front of the Center, and out into the street. A personnel carrier pulled up just as I got my head over the windowframe and ten young infantrymen poured out. They took up defensive positions around the vehicle as shots began to fall around them. They returned fire and then went, leapfrogging, down the street, away from my hiding place, toward an unfinished high rise apartment across the main avenue out front. The sniper was holed up on an upper floor, waiting for soldiers to pass by and shoot at them. After ten minutes, a furious exchange of automatic weapons fire, then silence. Another ten minutes, and some of the soldiers came back, mounted up and drove away.
Down to the station, a long walk; and arrival just as the tall doors to the train platform were closing. Against all common sense, I pounded like a madman on the doors. The guard on the other side, a civilian, opened them to see who was the idiot making all the noise, and I rushed through. Ignoring his shouts to stop, I ran for the back of the train, picking up speed as it moved out of the station. Bag and I just made the last car, jumped across the gap between train and platform, and, grabbing the car's back railing, hauled my breathless self aboard. No shots, no problems; just another crowded train heading north.
Where we arrived a few hours later. A walk up the hill to Amelia's house, her surprised face, her outstretched arms, a tight hug that lasted for a long time. She was all right.
I have a letter from her, written at about that time. "My heart beats softly," she wrote, "and softly I say the words 'I love you.'"
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